Wednesday, December 16, 2009

if you really love christmas come on and let it snow

So this has nothing to do with Christmas decorating or "Love, Actually" or the house, but it's a recurring theme in my life, and it's a-surging at the moment.

I cannot WAIT to adopt kids. Oh, man. There aren't even words. I've been planning to do this since I was 16 or 17, and the passion has never dwindled. I can't say that about a single other thing in my life. But once in a while, I get an extra strong tug, and I go on a kick of researching requirements and fees and youtube videos of "gotcha days". And even though I've been researching this for nearly a decade, I still feel so lost. Domestic or international? Newborn or toddler? Specific ethnicity or no? Open or closed? Where do I actually GO for this? How am I supposed to afford this?!

It's really overwhelming. And the laws in each country change so frequently.

People don't really seem to realize how tough adoption is. It can be years and years of paperwork and visits with social workers, and it can still fall through, even at the very last minute. When the topic of kids comes up and I say I'm going to adopt, most people assume that I must be infertile. Or think I'm joking. Or, worst of all, believe that I believe what I'm saying but make their I-know-better face and say something to the effect of "we'll see". I really really hate that face. Really.

I'm not saying I'll never ever get pregnant. I used to say that. But who knows? I do know that I want my first child to be adopted so I don't fall into the ranks of people who had a biological child first and then got scared that they wouldn't be able to love an adopted child as much. I used to be committed to only adopting, mostly because it's gotta be weird to have to explain adoption to a child. Imagine being a kid and having to cope with that AND know that your siblings aren't adopted. So weird. I don't think it's an impossible situation - lots of families have successfully raised kids with and without their DNA in the same household. I just have a hard time imagining those conversations. And you have to explain why you don't look like your parents but your siblings are spitting images? That sounds like a kid nightmare.

There really aren't appropriate pictures to accompany all this typing. Sorry.

So I watched about an hour's-worth of youtube videos and read a few adoption blogs tonight. I am going to be a WRECK when this actually happens for me. I can't even make it through a single video without the waterworks starting. As a weird aside: both of my best friends are adopted. I find this to be a very odd coincidence.

This is going to sound a little insane, but...I can feel my children. I guess the feeling has gradually grown over the past couple of years. I have no idea whether they're already alive somewhere or if I'm inventing this. I won't get into the specifics of my faith, but I truly believe that I can sense them. Or the potential of them, at least. I have such a strong sense of their essence. I'm already completely in love with them. I don't know what they'll look or sound like or when we'll meet. Things will happen when they're supposed to happen.

When the Foliage and I were still in the flirtatious-writing-back-and-forth portion of our relationship, he "tested" me by saying he absolutely HAD to have a child biologically in his life. I basically said that if I were married and my husband truly felt that he couldn't live without contributing genes to a child, I couldn't very well deny him that. He likes to throw this in my face. But the joke's on him because I'd never seriously date anyone who had qualms with adoption, and he'd already green-lighted the whole thing in an earlier chat. Ha! I e-win!

I'm going to stop myself before I get into all the ideologies that make people I know uncomfortable and before I go into a sickening litany of how awesome my boyfriend is. You're welcome for that. So to bed I go. To dream up ways to convince social workers 5 or 6 years in the future that I'd be the best mom EVER and give me 4 Romanian babies, all at once. How Edina Monsoon of me. Sigh*

1 comment:

LMP said...

Love it.... You will be an amazing mom, and I have absolute faith in the fact that God has amazing children waiting for you....