Friday, August 6, 2010

i can't drive 55

The women in my family have a problem.

OKfine, we have a few. But we're going to ignore (for now) the indecisiveness, the sometimes crippling depression, and the fact that we just cry when we talk. For no reason. It makes us look like we're upset, but we're just TALKING. It's WEIRD. And extraordinarily inconvenient. Anyway.

The problem at hand is this:

We kind of suck at not hitting stuff while driving.

It's not ALL the time, but we have had an inordinate amount of body work done on our cars. And so far no one has been hurt (though my first sister's arm was broken in an accident while her friend was driving). The guys at the local collision place know all 5 of us. You guys again? Yes. Us. Shut up and fix the car.

And - to date - this excludes my second sister. To be fair. She has never been driving during an accident. Also my mom is like a magnet for tickets. Parking, speeding, red lights. In the interest of full disclosure.

I have been in 3 major-ish collisions. The first one (Summer 2005) was definitely my fault, although I maintain that that intersection totally LOOKS like a 4-way stop. But it isn't. Oops. I was driving my parents' van and only the very front was clipped. But it was the first kid-induced accident and they were out of town at the time.

And now for the first time I've ever used a jump in Blogger...

Winter 2006: If you absolutely had to blame someone - this was also my fault. The air in my tires was low, and it had misted that morning, and I ended up fishtailing and lost control down an exit ramp after a sharp turn. Then I hit the left barrier, with the part of the car directly in front of me, then spun around a few times, then the passenger airbag deployed. There was no one in the passenger seat. For the record.

Fall 2007: So awful and ridiculous. At rush hour, some guy slammed on his brakes to turn quickly into some church, and the woman behind him slammed on her brakes. Then the woman behind her hit the first woman. Then I hit the second woman. I heard tires squealing, but thought it was someone who had turned in the next lane who needed to put air in their tires. I was following too closely. I know. But the cop who reported to the accident was a HUGE jerk. Also 2 of my at-the-time coworkers saw the accident and it was sooooo embarrassing.

And then (this one so doesn't count) last spring some guy tried to make a 3-point turn in front of me. Without warning. Not at an intersection. Just driving 45ish down a pretty narrow road, and BAM he swings to the left and throws on the brakes. So I veered to avoid him, but may have possibly have "rubbed" against a car parked in the right shoulder. But just the mirror! Which didn't even break, it just folded in! So. I'm just going to ignore that one.

I also totally hit 2 things* the first week I had my license. But neither of those did any damage. One of them was a stop sign. But no damage, I said! Everything's OK!

My absolute favorite collision story has to be about my youngest sister, though. She was driving down a 2-lane street with huge shoulders one night, and there had been an accident. One of the cars involved was perpendicular to traffic, sitting in the road with its lights off. The other was facing traffic, in the right shoulder with its headlights on. So my sister thinks, "That guy must be drunk. I should speed up to pass him." And then she jack-knifed the other (parked) car. She claims she couldn't see it because the other car was blinding her. And our mom's car was destroyed. I mean totaled.

I started writing this post because my second sister just got in a car accident in Los Angeles. And I was going to mock her. But goodNESS I have an awful track record. I'm leaving the story about my youngest sister, though. Because seriously. How many Drivers' Ed rules can you break at one time?

*Gah, am I really this awful?! This is why I hate driving and insist that The Foliage be the chauffer of our relationship. Seriously. I really dislike driving. Society probably dislikes me driving, too.

1 comment:

The Sheriff said...

"The guys at the local collision place know all 5 of us."
Um, yeah, they don't know me.
My only accident was sitting behind you in Summer 2005.
Can I call this a win? Me not having any accidents?