Wednesday, April 20, 2011

i would totally marry: heroes

The series continues! Whooooo!! I don't have a whole lot of time, so this will have to be short. Luckily, heroes annoy me, so it shouldn't take too long.

Hercules - So above and beyond annoying. Also blonde. Which is an automatic disqualification. Only child? Maybe? Not sure. But that'd be an automatic disqualification, too. ALSO he gets naked and oils himself and fights with dudes. I don't care which gender is on the other side of the ring, the nude oil thing is weird. It's hard enough to reconcile some of The Foliage's favorite activities (like watching SO MUCH FOOTBALL), I just can't imagine having to explain this one to people. "Where's Hercules?" "Oh, you know, being slippery and fighting some guy." Right. No.

Achilles - Another ancient Greek! I think he was blonde, too. But looking past that, do I really want to be with someone indestructible? The Foliage is about as close as a human can get*, but I enjoy the fact that he's still vulnerable. In fact, I enjoy it immensely. Could Achilles ever take part in a tickle fight? I doubt it. I consider tickle fights to be an integral component in my relationship. And ankle-tickling is pretty lame and un-fun. De. Nied.

Superman/Clark Kent - Wait a minute...Clark Kent is Superman?! Superman is ANNOYING. I would DEFINITELY mack on Clark Kent, though. Here's the problem with heroes in general for me: they know they're heroes. And I hate that. No humility. Which I realize is usually the heroic flaw that is the whole point of whatever the literary work is. I know. But the awareness doesn't make it any less annoying. I get really excited when heroes get the beat-down. Clark Kent, though. That dude is SUH-MOKIN'. I ruv ruv ruv his glasses and the clumsiness and he's totally smart. I need to screen him in person (does he hate mushrooms? I can't live life without mushrooms. I can't.), but his chances are looking good...

Holden Caufield - Really only a hero in the strictest sense of the literary term. But he's more annoying than Hercules, even. Oooooh, guess what, Holden? I'm phony! Totes phony! Why don't you go whine about it? Pffft....

Harry Potter - Step 1 of our relationship: new glasses. Step 2: laser treatment for that stupid scar. Step 3: try to look older than 12. Step 4: change your name to anything other than "Harry." I haven't read the books, so my expertise on this guy is limited to the movies. And not even all the movies, just the first couple. I know he looks older than he DID, but he still looks crazy young to me. My impression to date, though, is that he isn't very fun. He's too busy being considerate or sacrificing himself for his nearest and dearest. OH and also only child. Totally forgot. Shut. Down. And I'm down with athletes, but I couldn't handle the seeker lifestyle. I would have a heart attack at every match. Maybe he could magic-up some Xanax for me, though. That'd be sweet. But it's not for sure, so...I'm going to shelf him. The constant attacks from Voldemort would get old FAST. And the movie previews don't suggest that Harry fends him off so well. I'm more of a let's-not-be-attacked-by-the-essence-of-evil kind of girl. Call me old-fashioned.

So does anyone have CK's number? Holla at me. I've got a date with destiny.

*Fun fact: one time when he was out running, a mugger attacked The Foliage with a baseball bat. TF got the bat away from the guy, and beat him up, then called the cops. The guy had been wanted in connection with a string of robberies. Have I told this story on here before? I don't care. It's my favorite. People are always all, "He's the nicest ever!" And then I'm all, "Yeah, that's true, but he can also KICK YOUR ASS so just WATCH it." ...And then he's, like, "Please don't threaten people on my behalf." And then I sulk.

7 comments:

rachEL said...

HWHAAAAT definitely never heard that story. that is amazing.

I can't believe you didn't even consider The Beast. such a racist.

ceejus said...

I didn't consider any women this time, either. Maybe next time I'll do "minorities" and just offend eeeeeeeveryone.

Yossarian said...

You already know this, but you are f*cking hi.lar.i.ous. Your mushrooms comment about CK? Comedy GOLD. For the record I could not live a life without mushrooms either.

ceejus said...

'Twould truly be a life half-lived. I can barely handle The Foliage's aversion to pears. And pretzels. And watermelon. You know, maybe I should just throw in the towel. What am I doing to myself? No pears?! This sh*t got real...real fast.

ceejus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leah said...

How on earth am I living with Techy and his aversion to mushrooms!?! Oh.right. My aversion to peeps.

Also, remind me never to suggest a game of wiffle ball with that betrothed of yours. Lest I get my face rearranged due to his flashbacks.

ceejus said...

Just don't interfere with his exercise. That's when things get dicey.