Thursday, April 7, 2011

i would totally marry: villains

So we've established that I am PRIME MARRIAGE REAL ESTATE, and if it weren't for stupid cloning regulations and American legalese (I'm fairly certain marrying oneself would be considered incest in this country), I would totally put a ring on it myself. And while The Foliage is a great consolation prize, I thought I'd look at some other options. Just to make sure I've covered all my life bases. I hope to make this a recurring series, as I really love judging marriage prospects. First up: villains. Mostly Disney. Don't judge me.

Captain Hook
Pros: Has his own ship (ahem, YACHT). Mean to children. Sweet mustache.
Cons: Hook for a hand. Ouch.

Ursula the Sea Witch
Pros: Can give me legs.
Cons: Will take my voice, which ROOLZ. And "eight is a lot o' legs."

Mark Zuckerberg (yes, I consider him a least the villain of "The Social Network")
Pros: I would have so. many. friends.
Cons: I mostly don't even like having friends. Jaykay. Maybe. Also, every time I see Jesse Eisenberg kiss someone, it gives me the heebie jeebies. I don't want to see him kiss anyone, ever. That's probably a bad sign for marriage, right? Yeah. OK.

Pros: Personal nay-sayer-eating cat. Word!
Cons: A little touchy about the self-identity jazz. Probably needs therapy. Premarital counseling would be ROUGH.

Cruella DeVille
Pros: Yay squishy puppies everywhereeeeee!!!
Cons: OMG WHAT R U DOING TO THE PUPPIES?! Also she puts pepper on everything, including ice cream. I just can't live like that.

For the time being, I guess I'll leave my nuptial plans as they are, but I'll think of more possible wrenches later. Suggestions for next time are welcome!


rachEL said...

umm who is Ratigan. :-/

you forgot Jafar and his sweet sweet skinny beard and mystic powers.

Some random ones for your marital consideration:
-Glenn Beck
-William Shakespeare
-Justin Timberlake
-Buzz Lightyear
-Mario (as in, Luigi's bro)

PS the word verification for this comment offers some awesome sound effects: SPLOWEI!!!

ceejus said...

From "The Great Mouse Detective," one of my favorite ever movies as a kid.

Jafar's a good call. I'd get to eat gyros all the tiiiiiime!