Friday, July 1, 2011

i would totally marry: presidents

Woot Independence Day Weekend! Or Friday leading into Independence Day Weekend! During which Independence Day falls on a Monday!

Let's get patriotic up in this piece. By imagining my awesome self gracing an Electoral College fave with my hand in marriage. Ow OW*! Note: I'm doing research on these guys as I type this, because as I may have mentioned previously, social studies and I don't have the warmest relationship. Anyway, let's get me married!

George Washington - Georgie Porgie! The G-Meister! Namesake of some of the most expensive places** in DC! That bodes well for him; baby loves a legacy. He's the oldest in a big family, so that's a plus. TONS of land in the Shenandoah Valley...could go either way. I like the idea of land-ownership, but I hate yard maintenance. A lot. I hear he's good at clearing trees, though, so I could probably make him deal with it. Sterile...also could go either way. Raised a bunch of kids that weren't his and freed his slaves when that wasn't even a THING yet. Big ups, G. Bottom line: he sounds like a really great guy. But I just can't get down with those rosy cheeks. And the fake teeth thing freaks me out.

Thomas Jefferson - Renowned cheater. Red-head. Awesome writer. Damnit, I just don't know. He's like the tamest bad boy ever. And as far as cheaters go, he cheated really consistently. Looking at his family tree, it doesn't seem like he ever got tired of either woman, he just really really really liked them both. Which I guess is kind of sweet...? Compared to having a bunch of affairs? I guess I'm a one slave-mistress kinda partner. But he died with a bunch of debt, and debt gives me hives. Also openly hostile to the Catholic church, which is even worse than being blonde. Oh, AND The Foliage and I have that really nice picture from the day we met, looking at the Jefferson Memorial. It would just feel too weird. You know, compared to the weirdness of marrying a 200 year old corpse.

Abraham Lincoln - Or was that BABEraham Lincoln!! Bwaaahahahahaha!!! Oh, me. So, yeah, he's pretty much my type. Looks like a tall death camp survivor? Sign me UP. His discipline and ability to self-educate remind me of my father, and doesn't every girl really just marry her dad? PSYCH! I am so not marrying an incarnation of my dad. Yeah, OK, I probably am. That's a totally different blog post. I think everyone (minus the South who just don't count for anything ever) can agree that he was awesome. Couldn't handle the early widowhood, though. I definitely at least need a CHANCE at going first.

John F. Kennedy - Living up to Jackie AND Marilyn? That's just too much. No. I need a stiff drink just thinking about it.

Richard Nixon - Tricky Dick! Political and personal foibles aside, I can't be married to anyone with the nickname "Dick." Just can't.

I think the biggest problem with any of them is that my dad hates politicians. HATES. He hates the entirety of DC because "that's where politicians are." Seriously. We came here ONCE as a family in my whole life, and that was because Colbert's portrait was in the Smithsonian. Now The Foliage and I have lived here for almost a year and he's never visited. Ever.

I'm not saying I wouldn't marry someone based on my parents' opinion, but...I totally wouldn't. Probably. I mean come ON! Family get-togethers would suck! And I won't have tension marring my annual date with Mom's cheesebraid.

Installments One, Two and Three, for your reference.

*This has become a favorite "phrase" of mine recently, but apparently it causes some confusion. I went to lunch with Use Your Words the week before last, and when I texted "I'm here ow OW" she read it as "I'm here now NOW" and pressuring her to run. In her work clothes. In 90+ degree heat. Then I felt bad. But also didn't because who doesn't know how to read early '90s studio audience cat calls?
**George Washington University, most expensive college in the nation; W Hotel; etc. All of which I could probably use FOR FREE if I married the Big Guy.

1 comment:

Krista said...

BABEraham!!!! LOL!!! Oh geez I think I almost fell off the table. Yes, I'm reading this sitting on a table. True story.