Thursday, August 25, 2011

have i told you lately that i love you

I don't like to leave any situation with The Foliage without finishing with "I love you." Because what if something awful happens? What if, after he drops me off at the metro station* the train derails or he gets hit by a car on the way to work? Then something other than "I love you" would've been the last thing we'd said to one another! Which is seriously terrifying. Even if we're having a huge disagreement in the car, we will repeat this back to one another. If I die, he will not have to be paranoid/feel guilty about that argument forever and ever. He will know that I love(d) him.

Which is why it was really weird that I slammed my car door shut and sped away from him yesterday at approximately 5pm without mentioning love or any other such nonsense.

Which gave me pause as I did it, because I reeeeeeally hate leaving situations that way (see above) but OMG I was so mad! Like, drop-kicking puppies mad. Smacking ice cream out of kids' hands mad. I guess I should back up.

Step 1 of my life: Buy a car (in 2006, yes you need time travel, suck it up)
Step 2: Receive title for car upon final payment of loan
Step 3: Don't put that title in the car! Dad says not to do that! Put it somewhere else.
Step 4: Get to 2011, plan a wedding, include the proceeds from sale of the car in wedding budget, then realize you have no idea where the title is
Step 5: Find 2 buyers for car who are so interested in it they get into a bidding war and end up offering asking price
Step 6: After checking and double-checking that the DMV will release the title to someone other than yourself, send your spouse-elect to get it
Step 7: Receive text message that not one DMV worker thinks your signature on the form looks like your signature in their system. Receive subsequent phone call explaining there's nothing you can do from Washington, DC.
Step 8: Take an unexpected half-day to drive to Delaware
Step 9: Receive text message from spouse-elect that he's at the DMV "by the airport"
Step 10: Totally drive to the RIGHT DMV. The one everyone ever uses and is super efficient. The one near the airport.
Step 11: Realize your beloved is not there. In fact, he's at the dumbest DMV ever to have been built, ever. In the 11 years you've known the state of Delaware, containing MANY trips to multiple DMVs, you've never even heard of this one.
Step 12: Drive - angrily - to the f*cking stupidest DMV of life, no thanks to your betrothed's gawd-awful directions**
Step 13: Walk in. Luckily your to-be-spouse is already at the counter so you don't have to wait. Throw your license at the DMV employee.
Step 13.5: Be scolded by DMV employee for throwing license
Step 13.6: Resist urge to physically assault and verbally humiliate DMV employee. But only because it would probably make you cry, not because of the interest in humanity or any legal repercussions.
Step 14: Grab paperwork and storm out of DMV
Step 15: When spouse-elect comes up to your car and says to "get a grip" before you come home, slam the door and peal the eff OUT.
Step 16: While running (miraculously) ahead of schedule for (final) wedding gown fitting, glance down at GPS map, then look up. Then rear-end the car in front of you in your exit lane.
Step 17: Cry hysterically immediately and continually for the next 2 hours. And then every time your unfortunate life partner mentions anything remotely related to the day's incidents.

Optional steps:
-Have a fiance who is beyond compassionate and isn't even mad at you, even though all of those steps (with special emphasis on 4 and 16) are entirely your fault. Except maybe 7. Number 7 is a total f*cker.
-Reschedule your stupid final dress fitting for stupid next week.
-Notify the would-be car-purchasers that their dream has been smashed lolz!
-Maybe get some really questionable Korean soup.
-I really hope you made sure to hit the car of someone super important at a super important company, driving with a similarly important friend! And that they would probably be good life-connections to have, if you could only speak for 5 seconds without breaking into heaving sobs! You did? Oh, good.

I would like to note that I have made it VERY CLEAR that I don't like to drive, and I don't think I should be allowed to operate any vehicles, ever. And also that by the time I got into the accident, I had calmed down and was even maybe kind of happy again. So 3ish hours of driving with rage? Totes safe. Calm? BAM.

But. Today I am much better. And even though I'm always aware of how blessed we are, I was sort of smacked in the face with it. Bless-slapped, if you will. We are so, so blessed. Or lucky, if that's your expression of choice. Whatever it is. I do not deserve the awesomeness that envelops me, but GEEZ there's always so much of it everywhere. So...awesome? Also I'll never chance it and skip an "I love you" EVER AGAIN. Whew.

*YES our apartment is across the street from the metro but WHATEVER don't judge me.
**"Immediately on the right past the gas station" isn't helpful in an area with more gas stations than people, and when the direction of approach is undetermined.***
***Also I said not to f*cking text me again. That does not mean "except for directions because clearly I can't look them up myself." It means NOT AT ALL.


Swiss Miss said...

Um. that's the DMV that told you to surrender your permit and then refused to give you a license. So- DON'T EVER GO THERE AGAIN.

UseYourWords said...

Well this is awful. Glad you're okay & that Korean soup was involved? You guys will be SO READY for the honeymoon, on the plus side. Just take cabs when you get there. Also here's hoping that your weekend involves a LOT of wine.