Last night The Foliage and I went out to run an errand, and it was later than it should have been, so the store was getting close to closing and we were rushing. And I was super stressed. Maybe the most stressed I've ever been in my life. Which makes me, you know, super charming.
So we find the thing that we need, and I ask him to go get a cart. And he's gone FOREVER. I browse the nearby aisles, I wring my hands, I pace. Eventually I head towards a further-away aisle since I'm not sure when he'll be back. And then some girl makes eye contact with me and giggles while she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." The guy she's with smiles but is uncomfortable with eye contact. Then I turn and see that they're talking to The Foliage. And he looks exhausted.
I figure these are friends from school or something, wanting to catch up, but it turns out he's never met them. And it is explained to me that they were discussing the concept of "God the Mother." To which I replied, shocked, "And you've never met each other before?"
Yeah, that's right. My husband got stopped by a cult. In Target.
And not a laconic cult, either, a really chatty one. A really chatty and awkward one. Who apparently all live in a house together? Or something? I was trying to be polite and not confrontational, because it's not like I'm going to convince them that there is no Planet Beldar. No way. This chick wanted COFFEE. She wanted to TALK over COFFEE. We don't even drink coffee, but she said it about a million times. "Just meet up and, you know, just talk. Over coffee.*"
The problem is that I DO want to talk to her, because I'm so fascinated by different faith systems. But UGH it was the worst timing EVERRRR and I don't necessarily want to talk to her or her friend, who embodies the kind of socially awkward that makes you feel physically uncomfortable. But I am curious about this ish.
I kept asking what the church's name was - no answer. "Well, if you HAD to give a name to the faith that you both share...what would it be?" Over and over again, "We believe in the Bible." And maaaaaan I hate that answer. Because f*ck you, lady. That is vague and passive aggressively accusatory and I just want to make my purchase and go home, but you've suckered me and my spouse into a pseudo-religious conversation which is our biggest collective weakness.
When she and her friend mentioned that their services are on Saturdays, The Foliage said, "Oh, right, because that's the sabbath." And - I am not exaggerating - chick jumped up and down and clapped. Who. Does. That. At that point my frustration was showing, and when she excitedly asked how he knew that, I replied with audible irritation, "Because he's Jewish." DUH. SO MUCH DUH. She knew that (my marriage's differences in faith being the 1st topic she broached) but I guess knows nothing about Judaism. But is EXCITED that he knew the sabbath is on Saturday. Madre de Dios.
They said their worship centers are called "Church of God - [Location]" and that they go to the one in Laurel. But I can't find this place online. Church of God, believes in God the Mother**, has services on Saturdays, urges followers to solicit converts at big box stores late on weeknights. Any help? I kind of want to go to see what kind of animals they sacrifice. Also, maybe avoid the Target on Rockville Pike on Wednesday nights. You're welcome.
*As soon as she said this, I immediately heard Maria Bamford saying, "Sure I'll join your cult!" in my head and almost laughed in the girl's face. But then I would've had to explain the joke and talked EVEN LONGER.
**I don't NOT believe in God the Mother...I believe God is genderless and that "Father" is a traditionally and arbitrarily assigned pronoun. It seems like a silly thing to make a point of to someone who's already identified themselves as Christian.