Over the long weekend, The Foliage and I went to the DMV in Delaware to change our names.
Let's set the stage, shall we?
1. For the purposes of this post, The Foliage's full name since birth has been Foliage Edward Mopsy
2. His mother's maiden name was Flopsy
3. My full name since birth has been Ceej Cottontail
4. I was confirmed in the Catholic church with the name "Cecilia" when I was 13, but have never legally had a middle name
5. We would like our legal names to be Foliage Edward Flopsy Mopsy and Ceej Cecilia Flopsy Mopsy
6. The Social Security Administration (SSA) totally let us do this without any problems, regardless of gender, or the fact that the marriage license doesn't mention my middle name. They mailed us our new social security cards, with the correct new names a few days later.
6a. We even specifically asked about needing a court order to change our names.
6b. And were told the marriage license IS the court order.
7. The Division of Motor Vehicles (DMV) website says we just need our old driver's licenses, the marriage license, and to have changed names at the SSA already. Perfect!
8. We go to the DMV. The right DMV. Not the dumbest DMV ever in the history of the world. Like, a month after getting our new social security cards so we are DEFINITELY IN THE STUPID SYSTEM.
9. There's no line! We only wait 5ish minutes! Hooray!
10. Go to separate windows. Foliage has the original of the marriage license, I have a copy.
11. At YOUR window, is a sassy middle aged black lady who is NONE too please to be working the Friday before Christmas.
11a. Not my (or your) problem.
11b. Oh, wait. Yes it is. Yes it so, so is.
12. Give her your old license, new social security card (with new and improved name!), and copy of marriage license.
13. Get ready...this is when you start getting raised eyebrows. The funnest of all DMV Christmas favors!
13a. Optional: your DMV representative ignores your explanations in favor of leaning over to the next DMV employee to discuss how ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS your proposed name change is
13b. Maybe also repeatedly tells you the SSA will basically change a person's name to anything and you can't just do that.
13d. Right. That's what the SSA is known for. Not caring about things.
13e. Step off it DELAWARE. Other states don't even reports traffic accidents to you because you are SO UNIMPORTANT YOU JERK.
13f. And you can't change your middle name anyway, [you idiot,] because that's not indicated anywhere on the marriage license.
13g. But what possible harm could changing a middle name have? And the SSA did it!!
14. Your representative asks you for the original marriage license, which you retrieve, and she emits total confusion/borderline disgust that your HUSBAND HAS IT at ANOTHER WINDOW.
14a. Um, your husband can't change his last name.
14b. ...Why not?
14c. Because he's the husband.
14d. (summoning all the calm in the universe) I understand that that's not how it's normally DONE but why is that a RULE?
14e. (Nothing. Judgyface.)
15. Your representative tells you that you can be Ceej Mopsy or Ceej Cottontail. That's it. Would you like a new license for $10?
15a. No you stupid twunt, I do not want to spend $10 on a liarcense.
15b. Give me back my goddamned papers.
Stalk over to your husband's window
16. Mutter to yourself about how bullshitty this whole stupid thing is.
17. Every time you utter a profanity, notice the representative stop and stare at you, ceasing whatever he's doing.
18. The representative asks you not to curse because he doesn't appreciate it.
19. In your head:
19a. All the curses, ever
19b. Maybe you shouldn't work at a DMV you moron
20. Outside: teeth grinding
21. Your husband, in an effort to over-correct for your rage, is crazycalm and pays $10 for a license with Foliage Edward Mopsy on it. You know. The name on the license he ALREADY HAS.
22. Speedwalk to the car and arrive just in time to burst into ragetears.
Now we have to
23. Pay $100+ each to post a Notice of Name Change in a Delaware newspaper for 3 weeks, and have them send us an affidavit that we did so
24. Go to a Delaware Court of Common Pleas with affidavit, marriage license, kidneys on ice, original birth certificates, etc.
25. Maybe get approved, maybe not. Pay $78 + fees, each, for court appointment.
26. Wait? I think? For approval to come in the mail? I don't think we get it the same day as our court appointment. Which is awesome.
27. Go back to DMV.
28. Walk up to that stupid lady's window and drop the mic. After you get the new license, that is; you don't want to be escorted out by security or anything and then NOT get the license.
So that's at least $350 (probably more) and 2 days out of our respective offices. Because the DMV website was unclear. That's my main frustration: WE FOLLOWED ALL THE RULES THEY POSTED. Had they posted their ACTUAL rules, we would've been able to plan accordingly.
And apparently it's the turn of the 20th century yet again because, public notices in newspapers?? Seriously?! This blog should be public enough. Dear everyone, my new name is Ceej Cecilia Flopsy Mopsy. You have 3 weeks to disagree. I'll be printing out the comments to this post and taking them to court.