When I was little, sometimes there would be apples in the house. I know. BIG DEAL. Well I was a kid, and IT SERIOUSLY WAS OK. They were so shiny and huge and juicy-looking...
Let's pause to note that one of the ONLY good things about Southern Ohio is their amazing apple crops. After we moved to Delaware I wasn't sure I'd ever experience a not-awful apple again, but then I found CSAs and my life was whole once more.
OK THAT'S ENOUGH GET A GRIP. Back to the story.
I would go into the kitchen, and be dumbstruck by the basket of GLORIOUS NATURAL BOUNTY on the counter.
And then Mom would show up OUT OF NOWHERE and say, "You can't have a green apple. They'll make you sick. You can have a red one." Which, as we all know, are Red DeLIARS and no one should ever eat them ever. And I've since learned that this whole sick thing was a complete lie. I have since eaten green apples (albeit with trepidation) and have been 100% fine. Because the TRUTH was that if I ate a green apple, she'd have had one less apple to bake with. And would have to go to the store. With 3 or 4 small children. To replace a single apple.
Which NOW I get. I am a total believer in lying to small kids to avoid telling them convoluted/hurtful/time consuming truths. I didn't need to know that I was an inconvenient pain in the ass. And I would never have been able to wrap my mind around the fact that Denying Myself 1 Apple NOW = Eating Incredible Apple Pie (WITH ICE CREAM PROBABLY OMG) Later.
My PROBLEM is this: I've been afraid of green apples for years. I have shied away from them, thinking that they would give me the stomachache of the century. That they were ONLY suitable for baking. I have lost SO MUCH TIME not eating their deliciousness. I've actually been so warped in my thinking about green apples, that when Mom started buying them for Dad to snack on a couple of years ago, I suspected her of trying to [mildly] poison him. I had no idea why she would do such a thing, but hey! Green apples are a menace to society, so why else would she have put so many of them right on the counter? Right?
Then he emerged unscathed and the jig was up. It was so. f*cking. up.
I'm sorry for the pointless neglect, green apples. Get ready for me to punish, like, a gajillion of you.