Monday, May 14, 2012

so many dashes

I haven't worked out since before going to California. Not once. I guess you could consider some of the stuff we did in California to be exercise...there were several LONG hikes. But mostly I just ate my way through the Bay Area.
It was glorious.
But also my muscles have completely left the building. I feel like such a weakling.
So tonight The Foliage and I are going for a hike! No idea why, but after metroing and walking through the rain this morning, I had a really intense desire to go for a hike in the rain. So BRING IT NATURE.
Also one week from Friday I'm going to Denver for my organization's quadrannual convention. Three people I grew up with in Ohio now live in Denver. So I sent them a message on Facebook, inviting them out for a drink while I'm there.
Oh, that sounds so simple! So easy and straightforward! Spoiler alert: it was not.
Growing up in a VERY small town in Ohio, I went to the only private Catholic school available. From kindergarten through eighth grade. And I was so unpopular. You can't even possible understand how unpopular.
Which is kind of where this gets convoluted, because was I? I have no idea how much of my social standing was real and how much was completely imagined. Looking back, I know that everyone in my class was very nice. There were some momentary exceptions of not-so-nice, but for the most part, I grew up around kids who were being raised by people who were just as nice as my parents. And I can't remember any out-of-nowhere cruelty. What I DO remember is being the awkwardest, sensitivest, smelliest kid in town.
True story: I still don't use soap. Shampoo, sure (for now...we'll see how this goes in the long term). But soap? What is so wrong with my body that I need to strip it of what it creates every day? I don't trust that jazz. But as a little kid (coughandhighschoolercough) I didn't make much of an effort to even appear clean. I still feel like I'm figuring out hygiene. It's a process. And it involves companies tricking women into thinking they need to spend $20+ to wash their faces.
More different sidenote! Tomorrow I'm going to my first dentist appointment in, like, 10 years. More like 12 or 13. It's hard to be sure. I am not excited about it, but I currently have the baddest ever ass benefits, so I'm taking care of it NOW. Also because The Foliage is making me.
Unpopular. Probably. And I still have so much anxiety surrounding my feelings about my classmates. I mean, from the age of 5 until I was 13...I just felt like a total sh*t. I wasn't invited to parties everyone else was. I didn't have inside jokes with everyone. Everything I said was wrong. Everything I did was weird. I lied a lot. But also had (have) a terrible memory, so I'd get caught all the time. I have more cringe-memories from my time at that school than the rest of the years of my life combined.
But now I am awesome! And I would (ahem) totally marry myself! Clearly these old classmates will be sorry they didn't suck up to me back in the dizzay.
So I realized that these three people now live in Denver. Where I'm going. And I think, "I'll just post a status about how I'm going, and then they can let me know if they want to meet up." But then I think, "Ceej, that is DUMB. You're setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect people to do the work for something they don't even know is happening." And then I ranted to The Foliage in my standard, super calm and thoughtful manner, and he told me to calm down and just ask them out.
Oh. Oh right. That is a thing. That totally sane and reasonable people do. So I composed a message. And then I agonized over the message for approximately 7 jillion hours. While The Foliage patiently listened to me having an out-loud panic attack, and tried to keep the volume of his eye-rolling to a minimum.
And then I hit "send." And I think I died? I'm not sure. I blacked out for a little bit. But then! Like just an hour or so later, one of them replied! And they were all, "Yeah, it'd be great to catch up!" In a totally not weird way! And then I kicked myself for being such a strange, strange, anxious person.
And since then I've been trying to come up with THE perfect "haven't seen you in 13 years and I'm not hitting on you, but don't I seem so TOTALLY KICK ASS now compared to when we were little kids?" outfit. Skinny jeans and boots will probably be involved, and lots of mascara. I mean obviously. And what I'm really trying to say here is I've never been more nervous to go drink in my entire life. Anyone got some valium laying around?

1 comment:

Jo said...

I hope that it's awesome! Doing that takes balls. :)