Tuesday, August 14, 2012

spawn of pell

Let's just put this out there: I'm pregnant. It's early. But also I'm terrible at keeping secrets, and if something goes wrong, I'll totes update the internet. Because I can't see myself being inconsolable or anything. Disappointed? Sure. But I dunno. This thing doesn't seem like A BABY to me. Especially because all the damn websites - Please. Go look at the fcking websites. There are approximately 70jillion of them, all selling terror and super-gendered onesies. - keep showing me pictures of what it looks like inside me right now.
And it is the opposite of cute.
Remember that movie with the talking brain in the jar? That's what it look like to me. OH GREAT IT'S THE SIZE OF A RASPBERR I GUESS THAT MAKES IT ENDEARING. Wrong, pregnancy sites! So, so wrong. Dear futurekid, You are effing GROSS right now. And I know I was once, too, but that was the '80s and no one was forcing MY mom to look at renditions of my creepy little arm nubs. I promise that if you come to term and survive or whatever, I am totally gonna love you. But right now? You are revolting. Please redeem yourself and come out adorable. Or at the very LEAST, baby-shaped. [Tentative] Love, Mama.
You think I'm being ridiculous? Just look at BabyCenter. I dare you. Those images are why I was anti-pregnancy for almost a decade. Stupid love. STUPID STUPID LOVE MAKING ME WANT TO CREATE A PERSON OR WHATEVER. Blech!
I find myself making safer decisions because I'm supposed to. Like instead of semi-daring dashes across intersections, I wait. Forever. For the stupid "Walk" sign. And it's mostly because I have the feeling that's what is expected of me, as a parent. If I imagine myself in a life-or-death situation, and it's my life or the kid's? Currently VERY in favor of my life being spared. Hear that, doctors/spouse/everyone? SAVE ME. I CAN GET A BABY PRETTY MUCH ANYWHERE.
FYI, I am very unapologetically going to talk about ALL the things. That's right. All of them. Mucus plug mucus plug mucus plug!!! I still don't even know what that means, really. But once I do...brace yourselves. Because I am going to refer to it CONSTANTLY. Mucus plug.
My main symptom has been exhaustion. Haven't had any morning sickness (much to the chagrin of my nausea-enduring friends...sorry, ladies), but if I let my blood sugar drop I get a little queasy. And sometimes I have this super fun thing where I'll be STARVING but once food is in front of me I find it to be revolting. And I force myself to eat because I know I need the protein. But oh man...it is the saddest thing that's ever happened in my life, to be confronted with a perfectly cooked steak and to feel like I'm gagging with every bite. My mother and her mother had pretty much the same experience, and Mom recommended Saltines and Coke, neither of which I typically consume, but I did have 2 Saltines the other day. I have no idea whether they helped, but they did remind me that MAN I love me some Saltines. Hooooooooly crap do I love those things. Maybe because my mom ate them by the sleeve while I was in utero. Whoa, cause and effect!
Oh, and the emotions. Oh ho HO the emotions!! Puberty was a cakewalk compared to this! Last weekend The Foliage and I went out to dinner, and at one point I felt tears coming on, and they couldn't be stopped. With a shaky voice, I cracked, "I'm going to cry. I can't stop it. You haven't done anything wrong. Just give me a minute." And then sobbed into my sleeve. In the middle of a restaurant (thank the LAWD for booths!). Across the table from my bewildered spouse. Can't wait for the next 7 months!!
Newest life focus is finding mom-friends in the area. I have some friends with babies but they're either in Delaware/Philadelphia or farther. Who is going to entertain me during maternity leave? Also did you know how awesome FMLA is in DC? I get 16 weeks! By law!! Not as awesome as other countries, but way better than most places in this one. I desperately want this kid (spawn, kid, potato potawto) to have friends its own age. I've been trying to convince my friends to get knocked up, but it doesn't seem to be going as well as I'd like. And moms on local boards? Creepy. In a word.
I have my first appointment 3 weeks from today, but no there will not be an ultrasound. Maybe ever. I really want to nap now. Goodbye.


Kate (@barnswallowkate on Twitter) said...

Ooh congratulations! Now I am extra sorry I missed that APW dinner last week! I will offer to be a local mom(-to-be) friend but I honestly have no idea what I'm doing so I'm not sure how helpful I would be. I agree that every mom gathering place I've seen online is creepy. I refuse to use the ridiculous acronyms. And your experience with food aversions sounds similar to mine! Good luck with those, it didn't last forever with me so hopefully it won't with you either.

TheQueerBird said...

This is absolutely my favorite pregnancy announcement post ever. Congratulations!

Jo said...

Second TheQueerBird in terms of favorite. I'm so looking forward to more!


Leah said...

I just have to say it... I.love.you! You just made me snort for about 5 minutes straight. Mucus plug mucus plug mucus plug. And not even cute snorting. Like total Urkel-esque snorting. Thanks for that, and congrats on the alien life form who is currently inhabiting your uterus!