Tuesday, September 4, 2012

the space between

I really need to stop talking about how I haven't had an ultrasound and that's weird, but...it is. It super super is. It's not like I EXPECT to have one, and that an expectation isn't being met. I just see all the posts from friends who are as far along as I am, and it seems like their checking-upping has been BUSY. Because what can you compare yourself to, really, but your peers who are in the same position? At least for the first kid. For kid #2 I'll be all, "no heartbeat means mama's having a beer (or seven)!" On the other hand, most of the people I know who are "as pregnant" as I am are going through the 100% western medical model, or have had trouble conceiving, and therefore are doing a lot more monitoring.
So we had our first midwife appointment today. And there was no heartbeat. And I had braced for that. (Thanks, Carrie!) So I wasn't freaked out. My stomach's still being a jerk and not letting me find most foods appealing, and my uterine area is getting more bulbous. I can feel it stretching out (very localized, sharp cramps). So I know things are happening in there.
But still.
The Foliage and I had taken off work for the morning. We answered all the midwife's questions, eagerly anticipating the exam part. She felt around for what felt like forever. Good news! I have a really strong pulse around my uterus! The blood is a-flowin' down there! Great. Also a good sign of ferreal baby action (see above). She told me my "bump" is actually my abdominal-area organs trying to figure out where to go as the baby-cave grows. I think THAT was a bigger blow to me than the heartbeat thing. You mean when I've put my hand on my lower stomach, thinking I was holding my kid, I was really cradling my intestines? Apprently yes. I've written extensively about my struggle to find this whole process to be endearing/cute/whatever. So this new visual really didn't help. Also, screw you, pregnancy diagrams! Don't act like that fetus is so high up when it isn't! I have no desire to lovingly caress my bladder, you tricksterjerk!
Also it's our first anniversary. So there was extra pressure on the appointment. To be all Best. Day. Evar. !!
We don't really have plans. Usually, we are the surprise-each-other-with-plans-and-stuff people. But this year? Meh. It's the FIRST year, though, so there's some self-applied pressures to be A Great Spouse or whatever. But also, I am tired? Like really really beyond tired. So even if The Foliage surprised me with the greatest surprise there ever was, it would pretty much be wasted, because no matter what the plan is, I'd rather be napping. Also we hopefully have a bazillion anniversaries left, so.
I do feel really badly that I didn't come up with SOMEthing, though. Any little gift for him. I am a gift-giving machine! And especially when they pertain to -aversaries!! But a couple days ago, we were in the living room, and I turned to him and said, "So, um. Our anniversary's on Tuesday. I haven't gotten you anything. Like...anything. Is that OK?" And he hadn't gotten me anything either! Perfect! And we thought about doing a nice dinner, but I'd hate to waste that on my hating-most-food self! Also so expensive! So. I dunno.
We have a good plan for this evening. I really like it. It doesn't make me anxious or feel like I'll be exhausted. It feels comfortable and sweet and relaxing. Which? Is all the sh*t I want right now! So perfect! We pretty much had the best, most enthusiastic wedding ever, so I think a year of vegging out in its memory is appropriate. Right? I mean. We can't familydance to "Eternal Flame" every September 4th. That's just unsustainable.

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