Monday, December 10, 2012

dear kid

You know what's weird about you? Is that you're a whole person. But you weigh just over a pound and are approximately 13.5 inches long. AN ENTIRE PERSON. I feel kicks and I'm so used to it I mostly feel like, "Yeah, OK, I get it - you're out of room in there and I'm sorry, but also maybe calm the eff down." Especially when I lay on my side. You flip your SHIT when I lay on my side on the couch. But I also feel kind of mesmerized, thinking about how you're a person, and I don't want to move because when I change positions you get panic-still. And when I walk it lulls you to sleep. And I'd rather feel your stretches and punches than do anything else.
Which UGH is so annoying to even write. Don't let this go to your head - I am already not a fan of how many surfaces you are going to soil with your projectile bodily fluids.
I am aware that your movements-in-reaction-to-my-actions are not expressions of theory. I can't help but label you a smartass when you do continual calisthenics inside me for 10 minutes but stop the SECOND I put your dad's hand on my stomach to feel. Thanks for making me seem like I'm overly reactive and maybe psychotic, d00d.
Hope everything's OK in there, since I'm denying every possible method of monitoring. Glucose test? Puh-leeze! Monitor for you during delivery? Hardly. Welcome to your mother, kid - I trust nature and history over your whining. Like, 100% of the time.
I just want you to know I'm pretty annoyed that you're making me so frickin' sappy. A year ago the idea of a parasitic tinyhuman hanging off the front of me was pretty revolting. Now I can't even remove myself enough from the you that you are to remember how that feels.
Blech. Feelings. Good luck with today's yoga.

1 comment:

Nicole Bryner said...

If it makes you feel any better, mine does the same fake-out thing where he/she stops kicking once I have JD try to feel it. Like I'm a big fat liar.
Though last night he was able to actually SEE the kicks from the outside and that was pretty impressive, so I think I get extra street cred now.