Thursday, December 6, 2012

not a place called cocomo

We went to The Keys last week! The Foliage and I went down with my parents, and we stayed in a really great house right on a canal in Key Colony (about halfway between mainland and Key West). Here are some thoughts:
-Flying on Black Friday is BLISS. We took 2 flights to get down there, neither of which was even close to full.
-Renting a car on Black Friday is LESS BLISSFUL. As in THERE ARE NONE AVAILABLE. So...reserve that ish. Otherwise they'll try to give you a Yaris and tell you your 6'3" dad will toooootally fit. (Pro-tip: No he won't. Argue and get an SUV for the same rate instead.)
-My parents are kind of dicks. EXAMPLES:
a. Went to get ice cream one night. There was a family there with several small kids, who were really cute and not very noisy. One of the boys repeatedly knocked the top scoop off of his cone. One of these times, his parents didn't notice, but WE did, and Dad started making "OH YOU DONE FUCKED UP" faces at the kid. Because of COURSE. I reminded him that he'd emotionally wounded all the kids for which that was legally permissable. So far, no lawsuits have been filed, but I wouldn't say he's out of the woods yet.
b. Earlier that day, Dad rented kayaks. Yay, boats! You cannot possibly understand my dad's boatthusiasm. He was PUMPED. Mom, less so. The two of them were in one, The Foliage and I were in another. We'd decided to head out from the house to a nearby restaurant for lunch. About 100 yards from the restaurant's dock, we're a little bit racing to see who can get there first. And then, suddenly, like a gigantic banana out of hell, my parents are right next to us. And then...they are capsized. OH! THE PANIC! THE DISMAY! I was so sure I'd accidentally done something with my oar and it was all my fault and I ruined everything. But nay! Turns out Mom thought it would be SUPER FUNNY to play bumper boats. Spoiler: It was super funny. To us. Whose stuff stayed out of the water. And also to all the people eating on the patio of the restaurant who watched this happen. Did we continue on and eat lunch with my drenched parents? HELL YEAH WE DID.
-Nothing makes you feel cooler than "parking" 2 kayaks between crazyexpensive fancy boats. With, like, anchors. And then struggling in and out of those kayaks while people calmly watch from their comfortable, dry dining tables.
-Even though there is one lane to drive in, and the speed limit inexplicably changes to UNGODLY LOW all the time, you should probably still just drive the speed limit. I know. It sucks. It's worth it. I promise.
-Key. Lime. Everything. You should be a fan before you head down there. And if you're pregnant, try not to be too sad about all the margaritas you're not drinking. (OR pssssst just order drinks with less booze in them because the only thing that can validate drinking syrupy drink mix is drinking syrupy drink mix plus alcohol)
-"Seven Psychopaths" is hilarious! And sometime plays put on by community theatre offer you NO closure.
-Don't go to any restaurants thinking options other than "fried fish" are going to be available. That fried fish is good. But it's ALL they got.
-I don't suck at golf! If I actually tried/practiced, I'd probably be pretty good. I might start trying. But the only time golfing really comes up is during the Big Annual Vacation, and it's something The Guys do and I'd just be an extra wheel, because it's a weird heteronormative dynamic thing. But maybe I'll wedge myself in there anyway, because I like making shit awkward. OOH! Also! Next summer I'll have an infant! I'll totally take the infant golfing. What could make my male family members happier than me barging in on their golf outing AND bringing a crying baby along?! Pretty much nothing that comes to my mind.
-The Keys are really nice! Once. I think we did pretty much everything we would've wanted to do. Minus the shipwreck museum, but once we got there it seemed pretty...intense.

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