Friday, January 18, 2013

sporty spice

You know that Passat commercial? Where the father and son are playing catch in the yard? First, I want the dad to change into catch-playing clothes, for crissakes. But even more so...oh my good gracious it gives me so much anxiety.
Every. Single. Time. It comes on, I can hear my dad yelling. Sportyelling. It's different from otheryelling. It is the wordless stomping exasperation of HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THIS EVERY HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET EXCEPT YOU KNOWS THIS. I am so familiar with this yelling because my dad loves SPORTS. And wanted me/my sisters to play all the sports! And took us to the park a lot to teach us the sports! And we were all, "ughhhh but there is totally a seesaw, like, 20 feet away from me." So much rage. So much disappointment. So much not seesawing.
According to my dad, throwing a baseball/softball has 3 steps:
1. Elbow back behind you as far as it'll go with your forearm parallel to the ground
2. Keep the elbow stationary, pivot the arm up so forearm is perpendicular to the ground
3. Leading with the elbow, fully arc/extend up and over to SNAP the forearm parallel to the ground. Point of release during this part varies depending on proximity of target and force with which one is throwing.
It's also important that your feet are FIRMLY PLANTED and your FRONT FOOT POINTS AT YOUR TARGET ("Look at your feet, Christine! Where is your front foot pointing right now?!"). You should LEAN BACK during steps 1 and 2 so you can PUT YOUR WEIGHT BEHIND IT in step 3.
In my head I am shouting these things at the screen as the commercial plays. I am cringing, bracing for the camera to show the father. I'm anticipating, "OH WHAT THE F*CK IS THAT?! HOLY SH*T ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND THROW THAT BALL!!!" to be shouted at this terrible, terrible thrower guy from somewhere off-screen, and oh man he's going to be so startled and probably his kid will start crying.
And in case you're wondering I am a fantastic softball player. When I can take a break from the sobs.

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