lately

Since I'm home ALL the TIME now I keep thinking I should paint my nails. Then I remember that my kid wakes up at THE most inconvenient times, and also that nail painting has never brought me anything but sadness. I am incapable of waiting for the paint to completely dry, so I always end up with at least one nail that has a fingerprint relief on it. I get paint all over my cuticles. And apparently you're supposed to paint multiple layers or something? Which is so much more waiting! And when I'm done I invariable think my hands look weird and stubby (except with clear nail polish, I don't hate the immediate results of that stuff). Then I get too lazy to use nail polish remover, and just chip off the paint over the course of a month. Which looks...super classy.

So basically try as I might to be fancy, it just doesn't work. The most I can ever muster up is marginally-more-fancy-than-other-times. 

Old ladies are the worst. That's not a thing a person is supposed to say, but good sweet mother! Getting around with an infant takes way longer than it reasonably should. Getting around with an infant, in a place with old ladies, takes like 7 times longer than that. In the grocery store, they seriously follow me around so they can casually comment when I accidentally turn towards them. And by "comment" I mean ask all their small-talk-baby-related-questions, ultimately closing with: "enjoy it!"

Fck everyone who tells me to "enjoy it." I AM ENJOYING IT. I would enjoy it a lot more if I didn't have to stop and humor strangers all the time! 

The other thing old ladies do is to talk smack on new moms' choices. Look. Moms kind of suck. We are accidentally (and I guess sometimes not accidentally) terrible to each other all the time. But I try to keep company only with the ones who aren't as awful and don't just assume that the way they're doing things is THE way to do things. Apparently no one's reviewed the latest memos on "supporting the sisterhood" to these women, because they have NO qualms about telling a mother-to-be that the co-sleeper she registered for is a completely dumb product (in front of the person who bought said co-sleeper). 

I wonder if calling out "old ladies" for being crappy to younger ladies is hypocritical. OKFINE. It's really just the old ladies I don't know. Take heart, Grandma! You are not the worst. But your friends might be.

We are trying to plan our yard/garden, and it is stressful. We'd gotten really good at talking all plans to death so we were ONE ZILLION PERCENT aware of each other's expectations before proceeding, but now we start talking about expectations and then like magic BABY SHRIEKING. And oh what were you saying? Um...not sure...what do you want for dinner? So when we went out to look at fire pits yesterday, we were each totally surprised to learn that the other wanted to DIY a fire pit. While we were in the store of fire pits. With the stroller and the bottle of pumped milk, and the other errands waiting, and getting hangry because grabbing food was one of the errands, and NEWSFLASH hanger isn't helpful for effective communication.

Really excited for this whole "new normal" thing to kick in. Any day now, please.

results not typical: labor

Guess who gave birth! I'll give you a hint: it was me. Me!!

Due date: March 25th
Got tired of being pregnant: March 28th
The contractions I'd been having for weeks picked up intensity and frequency but were still bearable and erratic: March 29th
First castor oil smoothie: March 30th
Effect of this smoothie: upset stomach

March 31st we decided to go for broke. We went on a 2 mile walk, had sex, ate spicy food, and I had another smoothie (though I'll note I only used 1-2 tablespoons each time, which is apparently not nearly enough).

At 1am I woke up thinking I was wetting the bed. I thought "I guess I'm incontinent now. I'm at that part of pregnancy." The Foliage woke up and asked what I was doing, and I told him I thought my water had broken but to stay in bed. Because maybe it hadn't and then he'd be up and excited and standing in my urine and I just couldn't let that happen. (Spoiler: my water HAD broken)

1:45 we called the midwife. Contractions about 40 seconds long, 2ish minutes apart (but really...all over the place), 5 on the pain scale (I am terrible at things like pain scales - I based it on limb severance via hacksaw = 10). She said to call back in an hour.

At 2:45 I had to moan to get through contractions and I rated pain at a 7. TF called the midwife at 3ish and she came over right away.

For the next 4 hours I labored on our bed (kneeling, draped over our birth ball), the toilet, and sitting in the tub. It was hard. HARD. I had TF repeat to me "your face is relaxed, your neck is relaxed, [etc]" during each squeeze, which really helped.

Lemme just say, he was...amazing. I knew he'd be awesome, but geez. I fully anticipated getting annoyed or frustrated with him, and it never happened. He truly anticipated my every need perfectly and interpreted my grunts accurately. So I wasted 9 months of preemptive apologies is what I'm saying.

He also described my contraction noises as such: "I imagined a battle scene, like from 'Braveheart.' A 10,000 man army assembled on one ridge, and on the opposite hill - you. Running at them, screaming." Which is pretty much how it felt, so. Well done, spouse.

I guess the second half of those 4 hours were Transition. I don't think timing ever got really consistent, but I recognized a lot of double-peaks. The midwives said to let them know when I felt downward movement, and I felt the baby shift down around 6am.

Then they said to let them know when I had an urge to push, so the very first contraction that ended with that feeling, I was IN. Because OH MAN I was ready to be done. That was at 6:30. I might've actually had a few contractions to go before I needed to push, but. I was not down with waiting. They wouldn't do a pelvic exam to see how dilated I was. This is because my water had broken, and it would've introduced new bacteria/whatever to the baby unnecessarily. So that was frustrating during contractions but HAHA they couldn't tell me not to push! Handy.

They helped me get onto the bed (I'd planned to push in a squatting position on the floor but decided in the moment that FCK NO I was not gonna support my own weight). I laid in the bed with TF on my right, Midwife M in front of me, and Midwife E on my left. TF and E held my legs back while I pushed.

Which was a hard thing to figure out. Draw your knees back! Keep your heels down! Relax your shoulders! Don't push against your legs! Feel the baby's head!

I did not want to feel the baby's head. It felt weird and squishy and too far inside most of the time. I also did not want to see the baby's head but M held up a mirror and E took photos. Of the head emerging. So now those exist and I don't know how I feel about it. They had me feel the perineum so I could apply "counter pressure" but ummmm it's not like there was one area that was having trouble. As far as being a baby-slide goes, the whole perineal area was problematic.

I pushed for about 45 minutes and it felt impossible but then she came out and HOLY EFF SHE CAME OUT.

They laid her on my chest, where she sputtered and cried and immediately looked up at us. And then...I don't know. We've kept her alive for a full week now, but I'm continually surprised no one's confiscated her yet. I am always on guard for that knock on the door.

More thoughts on pregnancy, childbirth and parenting as events warrant.

Aria Luren. 7lbs 13oz 21". Born 7:16am on April 1, 2013. (For blog purposes she'll go by AL)

training

 

Currently watching Parenthood on Netflix, and oh man. It's so good. And also pretty much tailor-made for Bringing Up Shit.

 

Because my Favorite Thing is bringing up potential parenting situations to The Foliage to make him RESPOND! IMMEDIATELY! He loves it. It makes him so excited and not at all anxious. Several of our most significant disagreements have been over Things I've Decided Our Stupid Kids Want To Do or Will Do. Like, what do you do when your kid is given a curfew on prom night and they want to push it back? Or, are we paying for art college? Or, what's our response when our kid gets suspended for miming the use of a grenade? 

 

For the most part, on the issues that arise on the show, we're in agreement. But last night we reached an impasse:

 

If a kid confides in one of us that they're sexually active, do we tell the other? The Foliage says yes, definitely. You have to tell me. I say, no. Maybe. But probably not. It depends on what kind of relationship you have with the kid. Obviously I'm anticipating him having a fantastic relationship with our kids, but I've always had a fantastic relationship with my dad and I would NOT have wanted him to know when I started having sex. Even in retrospect that idea makes me squirmy with discomfort.

 

There are plenty of things I thought were a big deal when I was a teenager that really weren't, that I shouldn't have worried about so much. This is not one of those things. If Mom had told Dad (maybe she did, I have no idea, but I doubt it because I don't remember any period of time when he couldn't look me in the eye or attempted to murder my boyfriend) I would have been SO so so hurt.

 

When one of my sisters told me she'd slept with her boyfriend, I felt like someone had reached into my chest and squeezed my heart. The Foliage...does not have this relationship with his siblings. They speak openly about their sexual experiences (well, TF did until we were together, and I requested he significantly reduce the jaw flappery). They don't feel protective or parental toward one another. For him, the idea with not being OK with a family member having sex is just unfathomable.

 

I think he's underestimating how it would feel to have a daughter.

 

If this kid is a girl, once I hand her over to him, and he's looking down at her feeling totally overwhelmed and in love, I'm totally totally going to say, "I am so not telling you when she has sex."

 

you light up my life

 

This morning I got on the train, sat down, and started to read. Then I got sleepy so I took a nap. Mouth drooping open, in my usual ultra-classy nap-taking-position. I woke up to some guy tapping on my knee and holding out a piece of paper. As soon as I took it, he exited the car. My thoughts were, in order:

 

1. Oh geez I dropped something

2. I'm drooling or something else about my appearance is offensive enough to warrant a note

3. He stole something from my bag and is playing some weird mind game with me

 

It was his phone number. And his name and a "call me" with a smiley face.

 

OH YEAH I STILL GOT IT EVEN AT 35 WEEKS PREGNANT

 

He wasn't bad looking either. Shame about that smiley. Automatic disqualification for emoting. Win some lose some, I guess. Sorry, Dwayne. I hope your future train conquests work out better for you.

 

will you do the fandango

 

Work is stressful! Outside of work is stressful! I have a lot of shit to do and not a lot of time to do it! And I am so so sleepy all of the time!

 

So here is stuff that makes me happy/thankful/relaxed these days:

 

-The Foliage (NUMBER ONE IN PUFFY PAINT WITH EFFING RIBBON STREAMERS)

-The progress we've made in paring down our main floor so it feels clean and not overwhelming

-Louis Tully, the most emotionally needy dog who ever lived

-On the same blog, our maternity session!

-My sister in law watched the needy needy dog this weekend while we went out of town and it was GLORIOUS and we are SO THANKFUL she was available to do that

-From what I can tell, a totally healthy pregnancy

-My friend Liz is shaving her head AND donating her hair for charity (separate charities) so now I'll be able to see even more of her pretty face

-Pens that have plenty of ink, notebooks with tons of blank pages, phones with full charges

-Comfortable non-ugly shoes

-That my babyest sister's band is playing at Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville on March 2nd (!!!)(are you in or near Nashville? please please go because I can't and it makes me annoyingly weepy.)

-Thinking about our garden-to-be

-Not thinking about the work involved in achieving said garden

-Visiting people I super like at Mystic Pizza

-Getting promises from other awesome people to visit me during maternity leave

-Affordable maternity clothes that look like clothes I'd wear even if I weren't pregnant

-Window shopping on streets packed with gorgeous boutiques, getting decorating ideas

-Even moar different ideas for really fun parties

-One of my other sister's (sisters'? whatever) Kickstarter for a webseries she's created (The Big Idea Show which I'll have on constant loop for ze kid while I sleep off my morning martini).

-That Radiohead song with the line "I don't wanna be your friend, I just wanna be your lover"

-Paychecks. (Dear Paychecks, don't you want to visit me while I'm out of the office? YEAH you do! Stop by ANY time. Please.)

-Another of my sister's is blogging her experience of watching all of Star Trek FROM THE BEGINNING.

-Informing my aunt that they REMADE BATTLESTART GALACTICA and watching my uncle's face crumple in dismay. Oh man. OH MAN. So excited to hear how much they love ittttt.

-I have 2 more sisters. The stuff they're doing doesn't have links for you to click. Feel free to berate them. I do.

-My brother in law played bass at the 9:30 Club this past weekend

-One of my other sisters in law is throwing us a shower this weekend because she's super awesome

 

I know great people. We all do cool things. They take care of me. There is no way to express the gratitude I feel for my life. I hope my kid learns to feel this faster than I did. Because, seriously. It's gonna be a little white kid in America sooooo...should be pretty OK.

 

mind. blown.

 

So remember how making freezer meals is on my non-work development plan? And how I'd like to have 6 weeks' worth of food prepared and frozen in the next 4 weeks? BECAUSE I DO AND IT HASN'T BEEN STRESSING ME OUT AT ALL HA HA HA. I even put "freezer meals and visits" on our registry so other people would help me out wit this. Because I like to ask for help in the most passive way possible. Duh.

 

I've been slooooooowly coming up with a list of items to make, but it's hard because I want them to be healthy. And healthy to me means Weston A. Price/Nourishing Traditions or paleo. Which means lots of fresh produce and meat. No breads. No soy or other legumes. Dairy is allowed in WAP in certain cases but it doesn't freeze well, so that's a non-issue.

 

Also I've never made freezer meals before, so figuring out the point in my cooking process to stop, and how to portion it out for freezing, and how to reheat it...have been gigantor terrifying mysteries to me. So far I've made and frozen...chicken broth. Three cups. It's like almost stock-level-potency, so REALLY I have closer to 9 cups of broth. Which is great! I'm excited to use it! But come on. Is this my game face? It does not feel like my regular game face.

 

Today I came upon Once A Month Mom. And...I am not exaggerating when I say my JAW DROPPED. Also I started writing to The Foliage in ALL CAPS for a LONG TIME. I've come across several freezer-cooking posts on WAP-favoring blogs, but. This is just...an entirely new level of amazing. She has ENTIRE MONTH-LONG MENUS, INCLUDING ONES FOR PALEO DIETS ARE YOU SERIOUS YES I AM.

 

She gives you spreadsheets in which you enter the number of people you're feeding, and it updates all the sheets, which include a shopping list (organized by aisle), prep list (chopping, browning, etc.), recipe cards with freezing AND not-freezing instructions, AND PRINTABLE LABELS FOR YOUR FROZEN FOOD SO YOU KNOW WHAT THE EFF TO DO WITH IT LATER.

 

I. Cannot. Get. Over. This.

 

1. This lady is a genius. A GENIUS I TELL YOU. It's like all the frustratons of my brain just went into her brain AND SHE FIXED IT.

2. I have never subscribed to a website before, but $8 for a single month membership? HO yeah. Doin' it.

 

Can you FEEL the weight liften from my shoulders?! Because it's a pretty big weight. Who wants to come over and have a freezer meal prep party??

 

gotta have faith a faith a faith ahhh

 

On my way to the train this morning, The Foliage texted me that Pope Benedict XVI had resigned. And oh man. The shock! THE GLEE!!

 

I went to Catholic school for 9 years, from kindergarten through 8th grade. I've talked to other people who did the same, who remember lots of abstinence-only and homophobic education. Like...a LOT. But I don't remember ANYthing like that. I remember being raised by my parents to ask questions and figure out what things meant to ME and the faculty/clergy being in full support of that. And I never heard anything about premarital sex or gayness at school. Not once. Or if I did I had no idea what was being discussed and just zoned out. What I was taught, over and over, every single day, was to be kind and accepting and to give 1000% of myself to others. And to do lots of art projects to decorate the gymnasium for all-school-mass.

 

I can make pretty much any seasonal decor out of construction paper and styrofoam cups. Just FYI.

 

I don't even remember hearing anything about birth control or AIDS during homilies on Sundays. Children are a blessing? Yeah, that one happened. But in the vein of, "Include your kids in stuff! Church is for everyone, even if you're too little to really get it yet! We're gonna have doughnuts in like half an hour and then send your tiny sugar-wracked body home with your parents!" Not in the "HAVE ALL THE BABIES ALL THE TIME" sense. But maybe I accidentally missed the point.

 

But lately? Every single homily seems to be ANGRY or SCOLDY or PREEMPTIVELY ANNOYED. Or asking for money (those ones, granted, happened when I was growing up too). Things have just felt...different. Unfamiliar. Instead of feeling renewed and proud of going to church, I left glad that I'd gotten to take Communion but annoyed that I wasted the other 55 minutes of prime Sunday time.

 

So, lately, I haven't gone.

 

I went through a lot of BS to make sure I could get married in a Catholic church, with a full mass. We found an AWESOME priest, who we love and still visit as often as possible. He reminds me so much of my priest from growing up in Catholic school. Father Don. He was THE MAN. (I assume he still is but I haven't seen him in over 10 years.) The priest who married me, Father Dillingham, has so many similar qualities.

 

Those are the guys who MAKE the faith for me. I have my relationship with God, but priests like them make me want to keep showing up to the building every week. They are what I imagine Pope John Paul II was. I really, really miss the Pope John Paul II days. Pope Benedict XVI has just always been so...out of touch. Exclusive. Pro-scolding.

 

So here's to you, conclave! I'm not THREATENING to leave if you choose someone lame, but I mean. I've been trying to prepare for my favorite liturgical season, Lent, this year, but have just felt really mopey and uninterested. And I feel super jazzed about this opportunity we have. I just want my church back. Please don't blow it.