Wednesday, August 29, 2012

a few things

Used to be if my lower stomach felt this sticky outy and solid, it was because I'd eaten 3 bags of tortilla chips and 2 jars of salsa. (Yes. That happened. More than once. I'm not ashamed.) Today is the first day I've worn maternity pants, and they are WEIRD. I also look more pregnant than I ever have before in them. Only 11 weeks. This is early to seriously be showing, right? I'm caught in a strange place between wanting to suck in my stomach (even though it is now beyond suckable), and pushing it out so I can look legitimately pregnant. But I'm paranoid that will just make me look like I had a fight with lunch and lunch won. I cannot WAIT to be visibly pregnant. I will get ALL THE SEATS on the metro! It will be glorious. My Granna told me she wore maternity clothes, "Way before I needed to. I was just so excited about the whole thing." Which was kind of surprising to me. For various reasons.
Also I had a dream last night that The Foliage was super annoyed with me, and made out with someone else! And I was mostly just mad he wouldn't turn down the volume on the TV. But then that girl was a total jerk to me, so I beat her up. And she still was all eye-rolly at me! When I woke up at 6am I was FURIOUS at how little she respected me. As the WIFE of the DUDE she was macking on HELLO! Also I told him (in real life) what I'd done to her (in the dream) and he was a little terrified. Dream me doesn't mess around, yo! Don't step to this subconscious!
Man I want garlicky pasta sauce so badddddddd.
My weight hasn't changed since getting knocked up, really. But my stomach is growing pretty rapidly. And I don't think I'm losing any fat. Which can only mean I'm losing muscle. All signs point to my butt. Which I have deemed "smooshy." Every muscle that has ever been in my butt has been HARD-EARNED, people. This is not an area that my body wants to be shapely. So UGH I guess I should get back to working out again. We rearranged the furniture a few weeks ago, and it's been tougher to do my barre DVDs. But also I'm a master of excuses and FINE JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN I KNOW. Hopefully I can have some more terrible dreams and wake up early enough to get my sweat on! That'll be exciting.
Mom and Dad are visiting this weekend, and are bringing the top tier of our wedding cake!!! Oh, man. I am so excited. About the cake. It's so delicious! My Granna made it, and it's a CITRUS RAINBOW CAKE. Yeah, that's right. Are you jealous? 'Cause you should be. Also my parents are great and stuff.
Remember when teachers would take off points if you started a sentence with "and"? That was so dumb.

Monday, August 27, 2012

so much with the anger

Idea I had last night watching Food, Inc.:
Take an abandoned building in an inner city. A generally low-income area. Maybe a parking garage for a building that had promise, but totally flopped. So really, just a shell of a building with multiple floors. Add glass walls around the perimeter, and mirrors on the interior to bounce the light around. BAM gigantic urban greenhouse. Maybe there could be a program where people in the neighborhood are the ones running it (probably kids or underemployed people) in return for produce or discounts on produce. That part is up for debate. Main concept is to provide local, organic food to the people who have the hardest time getting it.
Because most of my reaction to the movie was, "Yeah I know, I know." I've already been through the stages of outrage at the lack of "good" food generally available to me. But I have the resources to seek it out, and I make an effort to do so. What made me super ragey was thinking about the vicious cycles of poverty and health, and the subsequent judgments from people with plenty of resources. People with very little money work a bunch of hours to make next to nothing. Their food dollars, and in a lot of cases food stamps, don't go far. And they have to buy food that is FAST. And the cheapest, fastest options are the worst. The worst worst worst things that nature never intended for a human to consume. So people with limited funds get fat, and they get diabetes. And people with less limited funds are all, "IF THEY'RE SO POOR, WHY ARE THEY FAT???" or, "IT IS SUCH BULLSH*T THAT MY TAX DOLLARS HAVE TO PAY FOR THEM GETTING DIABETES FROM DRINKING TOO MUCH SODA."
GAH! UGH! THE RAGE! SO MUCH RAGE!!! I just can't even deal with it, it's too much.
A friend of mine recently told me about an idea she had for "homeless person goodie bags." Because you don't want to give them money because they'll buy booze LOLZ!! I was so flabbergasted I couldn't even form a sentence other than, "Please shut up immediately." The goodie bags, by the way, would contain things like travel-sized deodorants and mouthwash (WE CAN ONLY HOPE SHE MEANT THE ALCOHOL-FREE KIND).
I love this friend. She is one of my favorite people. But her idea just made me so sad, because I know how many people would hear that and think, "What a great idea!" And genuinely believe it. Because so many people have never really thought about what it means to be poor in this country beyond, "It would be hard to buy stuff." And they don't take the time to think to themselves, "Holy SH*T I am SO FCKING FORTUNATE."
This is a broad-ass topic. And I don't have the bandwidth to get into all the implications, and I might be unfairly lumping low-income in with homeless here, mostly for the purposes of illustrating some of the attitudes each of them is up against. I can only hope that most people I know have wisened up to the totally ridiculous food industry we've allowed to control our supermarkets, and have made changes for themselves. But now it's time to look outside ourselves and make it better for everybody. In summary: Fck motherfcking Monsanto and the constantly growing income disparity in America. So. Fcking. Hard.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

when you said you were so happy you could die

So I guess the drawings are a little less gross now. Or maybe I've just been brainwashed by stupid pregsites into thinking that brains with tubes AREN'T the most disgusting things ever on the planet. I think it's mostly that when they show the profile, in the context of the mother's body, it's significant. Instead of being like, "You mean THAT little DOT is supposed to be my kid?!" I can clearly see SOME kind of [mutant] body in the mother's cross-section drawing. So it's more like a Thing. But it's still not like a fcking prune for crissakes.
It's weird that we won't have an ultrasound. I don't think I NEED one, it's just one of those things you kind of expect. It's strange that I've had pelvic ultrasounds in the past for NOT having a baby, and here we ultrasound. Only 2 weeks until our first midwife appointment, and then we'll hopefully hear a heartbeat. I don't want to get worked up about the possibility of there not being a heartbeat, but it's tough. This whole thing is a lesson in giving up control, I think. As most people who know me personally can attest...I have just the teeeeeeensiest bit of control issues. So. Basically flying blind on this whole thing is pretty bizarre. But I think it's better than reading everything and getting completely overwhelmed and terrified, so here we are.
The Foliage commented recently on how attractive he finds pregnant-me to be. My hypothesis is a biological "hell yeah!" at knowing he's procreated. Second hypothesis is that my pregnancy boobs are RIDICULOUS. These things started out big, but this is just nuts. They're already uncomfortably large and I'm not even done with the first trimester yet. I've heard they get even bigger during breastfeeding. Blech! Such irony. Girls with large racks already have to do a lot of abdominal exercises to compensate for strain on their backs, but pretty soon I'll lose the ability to contract any stomach muscles except for my obliques, while my chest will be the biggest it's ever been. As will my stomach. I don't understand the evolutionary purpose of this. Usually I understand the why and flow of bodies' symbiotic relationships. But not this one.
Anyway, ye olde spouse thinks I'm wicked hot, and luckily the 1st trimester hasn't killed my sex drive like I know it has for SO many other women. I am CONSTANTLY grateful for this. I don't know if I could handle 3 months of being grossed out by sex. Hi, Mom and Aunt C! Hope you're enjoying this! The Foliage also commented that he's noticed that he feels more protective of me now. Specifically in crowds, being ready to kick anyone's ass for bumping into me. Which is VERY MUCH not his nature, but is pretty much my most favorite thing ever. I'm kind of tempted to goad passerby into being rude, just to see what happens. Because I'm a really ridiculously good person. Obviously.
Also OMG no one gets to know the names! No one. This has been pissing my dad off to NO end. We visited a couple weeks ago, and he kept trying to distract me so I'd forget and tell him. Then last night he called and said, "You know, your grandma wants to make a baby quilt, but she doesn't know what name to put on it." I reminded him that even if she KNEW the names, she wouldn't know the gender, so she wouldn't know WHICH name to use. So he asked how many syllables in each name. And then how many letters. And now he's even more confused than he was before he called. Here is what we know about the quilt: it will be green; it will include space for a maximum of 6 letters; it will be finished post-birth, so no showing it off at the baby shower. Grandma will be disappointed about that part. But we are not jaykaysies about this - no name reveal.
There was a discussion among my pregnant friends on Twitter yesterday, about not revealing the name, basically so they could change their minds later. Because the baby will look like a different name. Which I KNOW is totally possible. But our chosen names are too cool for that, so if our kid doesn't "look like" his/her name, WAY TO SHOW UP LAME, BABY. BETTER START GROWING INTO THIS ISH. No pressure.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

follow up

Since midwives (or at least OURS) don't do ultrasounds, they have to use other methods to verify the baby is, in fact, a baby. Like a stethoscope. But listening for a heartbeat is pointless until 11 or so weeks. So first appointment has been scheduled for September 4th. Our anniversary!! And the end of the 1st trimester!!
It's going to be weird. But mostly I can't wait to be able to wake up and then just STAY awake. So maybe this has been a problem for me forever. MOM AND THE FOLIAGE YOU DON'T NEED TO CHIME IN HERE. I know. I know!! My level of sleepy is not ideal for motherhood! I knowwwwwwwwwwwwww.
But there's been a breakthrough, and that soup. HO my gawd soup. The thought of it occurred to me the other day, and I have a couple frozen batches of homemade chicken broth in the freezer, I just keep forgetting to defrost them. Then today BAM I needed. soup. immediately. So I went to Panera and got Bistro Onion (because they can't say "French"? I guess? Or something?) and MADRE DE DIOS!! I'm even in love my post-soup burps. Every single bite was heaven. HEAVEN.
But tonight I'm going to mess it all up again because we're going to the Montgomery County Fair where there will be:
-A bee demonstration
-A goat sale
-Pig races
-Exclusively deep fried foods
I will eat those deep fried foods. I will eat them so hard. Especially fried oreos. (Note to the County Fair Gods: Please let there be fried oreos!!)
I am going to confuse the crap out of this baby's digestive system. Let the motherguilt begin!!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

spawn of pell

Let's just put this out there: I'm pregnant. It's early. But also I'm terrible at keeping secrets, and if something goes wrong, I'll totes update the internet. Because I can't see myself being inconsolable or anything. Disappointed? Sure. But I dunno. This thing doesn't seem like A BABY to me. Especially because all the damn websites - Please. Go look at the fcking websites. There are approximately 70jillion of them, all selling terror and super-gendered onesies. - keep showing me pictures of what it looks like inside me right now.
And it is the opposite of cute.
Remember that movie with the talking brain in the jar? That's what it look like to me. OH GREAT IT'S THE SIZE OF A RASPBERR I GUESS THAT MAKES IT ENDEARING. Wrong, pregnancy sites! So, so wrong. Dear futurekid, You are effing GROSS right now. And I know I was once, too, but that was the '80s and no one was forcing MY mom to look at renditions of my creepy little arm nubs. I promise that if you come to term and survive or whatever, I am totally gonna love you. But right now? You are revolting. Please redeem yourself and come out adorable. Or at the very LEAST, baby-shaped. [Tentative] Love, Mama.
You think I'm being ridiculous? Just look at BabyCenter. I dare you. Those images are why I was anti-pregnancy for almost a decade. Stupid love. STUPID STUPID LOVE MAKING ME WANT TO CREATE A PERSON OR WHATEVER. Blech!
I find myself making safer decisions because I'm supposed to. Like instead of semi-daring dashes across intersections, I wait. Forever. For the stupid "Walk" sign. And it's mostly because I have the feeling that's what is expected of me, as a parent. If I imagine myself in a life-or-death situation, and it's my life or the kid's? Currently VERY in favor of my life being spared. Hear that, doctors/spouse/everyone? SAVE ME. I CAN GET A BABY PRETTY MUCH ANYWHERE.
FYI, I am very unapologetically going to talk about ALL the things. That's right. All of them. Mucus plug mucus plug mucus plug!!! I still don't even know what that means, really. But once I do...brace yourselves. Because I am going to refer to it CONSTANTLY. Mucus plug.
My main symptom has been exhaustion. Haven't had any morning sickness (much to the chagrin of my nausea-enduring friends...sorry, ladies), but if I let my blood sugar drop I get a little queasy. And sometimes I have this super fun thing where I'll be STARVING but once food is in front of me I find it to be revolting. And I force myself to eat because I know I need the protein. But oh is the saddest thing that's ever happened in my life, to be confronted with a perfectly cooked steak and to feel like I'm gagging with every bite. My mother and her mother had pretty much the same experience, and Mom recommended Saltines and Coke, neither of which I typically consume, but I did have 2 Saltines the other day. I have no idea whether they helped, but they did remind me that MAN I love me some Saltines. Hooooooooly crap do I love those things. Maybe because my mom ate them by the sleeve while I was in utero. Whoa, cause and effect!
Oh, and the emotions. Oh ho HO the emotions!! Puberty was a cakewalk compared to this! Last weekend The Foliage and I went out to dinner, and at one point I felt tears coming on, and they couldn't be stopped. With a shaky voice, I cracked, "I'm going to cry. I can't stop it. You haven't done anything wrong. Just give me a minute." And then sobbed into my sleeve. In the middle of a restaurant (thank the LAWD for booths!). Across the table from my bewildered spouse. Can't wait for the next 7 months!!
Newest life focus is finding mom-friends in the area. I have some friends with babies but they're either in Delaware/Philadelphia or farther. Who is going to entertain me during maternity leave? Also did you know how awesome FMLA is in DC? I get 16 weeks! By law!! Not as awesome as other countries, but way better than most places in this one. I desperately want this kid (spawn, kid, potato potawto) to have friends its own age. I've been trying to convince my friends to get knocked up, but it doesn't seem to be going as well as I'd like. And moms on local boards? Creepy. In a word.
I have my first appointment 3 weeks from today, but no there will not be an ultrasound. Maybe ever. I really want to nap now. Goodbye.