Thursday, January 24, 2013

here in my car

 
The Foliage and I got in a fight recently. Because he sucks at science.
 
Here is the scenario:
 
The other morning the car radio started acting funny. And by "funny" I mean it wouldn't turn off, and we couldn't adjust the volume except to make it UNBEARABLY LOUD or just barely audible.
 
So in this situation:
 
Control = the volume, as judged by our fine-the-last-time-we-checked hearing
Variable 1 = the dashboard volume knob
Variable 2 = the steering wheel volume toggle
 
While I was testing Variable 1 (via SMALL turns of the knob, followed by pauses to assess the effect because it seemed like maybe there was a delay between using the knob/toggle and the volume changing) I notice this MFer's LAYING on Variable 2!
 
I'll give you a minute to process the egregiousness of this lifechoice of his. Are you all set with your rage? Because oh. There was some rage.
 
He did not get a minute while I processed it.
 
Ceej: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! I'M TESTING THE DASHBOARD KNOB!
The Foliage: Whoa, don't yell at me! The knob isn't working!
C: YOU CAN'T KNOW THAT BECAUSE YOU AREN'T TESTING IT PROPERLY
TF: YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL JUST BECAUSE THE RADIO IS LOUD
C: I'M NOT YELLING BECAUSE OF THE RADIO I'M YELLING BECAUSE YOU ARE RIDICULOUS
TF: (Jaw-down perplexed face)
 
Then we arrived at the metro and I didn't even offer him a goodbye kiss so obviously was sure the train would derail on the way to work. Spoiler! It didn't. WHEW! But I did spend most of the day inordinately angry at him, aware of the fact that I was probably being unreasonable but for the LIFE of me could not figure out how.
 
I still don't think I was wrong. Lesson here is: don't fck with science, jerk.
 

Monday, January 21, 2013

full circle


Today is my Aunt C's birthday. Which my mom texted to remind me this morning. But I don't really believe in birthdays and I'm terrible with dates so "remind" probably isn't the right word. I guess "inform" would be more appropriate.

Welcome to my 28th year. I still only know like 20% of my family members' birthdays. It's going well, I think.

In honor of my namesake, a story about my mother (her. favorite.):

One day, my sister and mom and I went to lunch at a local (in Delaware) bakery/deli. The name of the place is Purebread and all the foods are dog-breed-monikered. The walls are also covered in black-and-white photos of dogs. If you like dogs, it's cute.

My mom's not a big fan of dogs.

At one point, she got quiet as she scanned the room, and eventually made a noise of disgust. "What is it?" I asked. "Hm? Nothing. It's nothing." "What? You're clearly bothered by something." "Well it's just all these dogs. They're almost all male and they're all...exposed."

Like Lady fcking Grantham at a barbecue. Ugh. UGH. Are you JOKING with the genital art?! Could you not afford wallpaper or Ansel Adams oh my GAWD I will give you the money mySELF to remove this grotesque disPLAY.

I laughed so hard and loud and long I almost fell off my chair. She was pissed at me for like two days.

Also when my youngest sister was little Mom used to trick her into saying or hearing the word "penis" at least three times per week. So figure that out. I think that's what Freud would call a fixation.

Friday, January 18, 2013

sporty spice

 
You know that Passat commercial? Where the father and son are playing catch in the yard? First, I want the dad to change into catch-playing clothes, for crissakes. But even more so...oh my good gracious it gives me so much anxiety.
 
Every. Single. Time. It comes on, I can hear my dad yelling. Sportyelling. It's different from otheryelling. It is the wordless stomping exasperation of HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THIS EVERY HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET EXCEPT YOU KNOWS THIS. I am so familiar with this yelling because my dad loves SPORTS. And wanted me/my sisters to play all the sports! And took us to the park a lot to teach us the sports! And we were all, "ughhhh but there is totally a seesaw, like, 20 feet away from me." So much rage. So much disappointment. So much not seesawing.
 
According to my dad, throwing a baseball/softball has 3 steps:
 
1. Elbow back behind you as far as it'll go with your forearm parallel to the ground
2. Keep the elbow stationary, pivot the arm up so forearm is perpendicular to the ground
3. Leading with the elbow, fully arc/extend up and over to SNAP the forearm parallel to the ground. Point of release during this part varies depending on proximity of target and force with which one is throwing.
 
It's also important that your feet are FIRMLY PLANTED and your FRONT FOOT POINTS AT YOUR TARGET ("Look at your feet, Christine! Where is your front foot pointing right now?!"). You should LEAN BACK during steps 1 and 2 so you can PUT YOUR WEIGHT BEHIND IT in step 3.
 
In my head I am shouting these things at the screen as the commercial plays. I am cringing, bracing for the camera to show the father. I'm anticipating, "OH WHAT THE F*CK IS THAT?! HOLY SH*T ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND THROW THAT BALL!!!" to be shouted at this terrible, terrible thrower guy from somewhere off-screen, and oh man he's going to be so startled and probably his kid will start crying.
 
And in case you're wondering I am a fantastic softball player. When I can take a break from the sobs.
 
 

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

face the music

 
The Foliage and I are discussing childcare. And. Oh my good gawd. Have you heard the horror storeis? They're all true. Initial plan: sister-in-law nannies for us in our house! Except. We can't seem to figure out what the eff the actual schedule is. And it looks like paying her a fair wage will cost like 33% of my income or something? I refuse to pay less than what I'd expect to earn for the same work. (Which is apparently 1/3 of what I make now...not sure what this says about me.)
 
On THAT note: I totally made out in this payroll tax thing! I filed for DCAP (you can defer up to $5k of your income to be paid out pre-tax for childcare expenses per year) and the reduction of my gross pay lowered my tax rate so I actually wound up being taxed $20 less AFTER the tax change! Hooray maths! Anyway.
 
Here's a fun thing: The Foliage keeps suggesting we hire a person who doesn't NEED money (like a retiree who'd be doing it to supplement their income). The following conversation ensues repeatedly
 
Me: Yeah, but that'd cost the same as paying [sister]
TF: What? We could totally set up a deal where we pay them sub-minimum wage.
Me: I'd insist on paying them a fair wage.
TF: You're being ridiculous.
Me: I WORK FOR A GODDAMN LABOR UNION
TF: What's the point of retired people, then?
Me: You're right. I have no idea. What IS the point of them? Did we definitely decide Soilent Green isn't OK?
 
Having a baby seemed so affordable until we realized we had to PAY someone to WATCH the thing. Though a couple in our midwife group brought up the idea of doing a nannyshare with them, and they live about a mile away from us, so it might be a zillion percent ideal.
 
Kid! You are upside down! Know how I know? The midwife told me, and also had me SQUISH YOUR FACE today. Your actual face. I squished it. Hopefully I've stemmed any Roman-nose-issues you may have inherited from me. Also you hiccup A LOT and do so right next to my bladder, Which is simultaneously endearing and gross and awkward.
 
"OMG TINY HICCUPSSSSSSS....but wait, that's right next to a sack of my urine...gross...and also how do you get hiccups in an airtight environment" and on and on and on. Pregnancy. Is the weirdest.
 

Monday, January 14, 2013

so this is nesting

 
Is this nesting? Or panic? Could go either way, I guess. At work, I figured out my pre-maternity-leave timeline SLASH development plan. And there's a LOT of stuff on it but also I think I might just manage it.
 
So I decided to create a development plan for my non-work life too. Here are the main things on it, in order of desired completion:
 
-Financial planning stuff. Get life term insurance, do all HR stuff at our respective jobs, create wills. Complete (or at least set in motion) by: end of January. Childcare also falls under this heading, but we've got more time for that.
-Turn our "sunroom" into a library/office. It's a narrow space and I don't ALWAYS want it to be an office, plus there are huge French doors that open to our (awesome) backyard and swing into the room. So square footage is an issue. This was a less-urgent item on the list until someone at work mentioned I should wrap it up since I'm planning to telecommute toward the end of my pregnancy. GOOD CALL, WORK GUY. Complete by: end of February
-Get set up for baptising the miniature heathen, or at least get started on the process. This requires becoming official members of our new church and getting set up with the baptism coordinator. Complete by: end of February (though a baptism-prep class might go into March or something)
-Finish nursery prep. Once we have the library set up, we'll be able to see better what we're working with, as far as repurposing furniture goes. Also have approximately 7jillion prints to frame. Complete by: end of March
-Freezer meals. I want to be able to - during labor and post-birth - throw something in the oven for dinner that's healthy and requires no preparation. There are a couple things I'll DEFINITELY make and freeze, but I need to expand the flavor profiles. And also get the standing freezer The Foliage's grandfather told us we could have. And also budget around buying tons of food in bulk for this. Complete by: end of March...might push it up to mid-March
-HOBY stuff. The seminar is May 31st-June 2nd. So. My ability to be involved is pretty limited, and I feel terrible about it. Going to assuage my guilt by helping with a fundraiser in March, work on finding free food for the seminar, and putting together the program. Complete by: end of May
 
Yesterday I got WAY INTO the library-planning. The Foliage and I had spent the day cleaning, taking Louis Tully to his last obedience class (WHERE HE DID HIGH-FIVE ON THE FIRST TRY OMG GENIUS PUPPY I DON'T KNOW WHY A TRICK LIKE THAT WAS PART OF OBEDIENCE CLASS EITHER), stocking up on grocery staples, and finishing my baby shower thank you notes. He thought that meant we'd reward ourselves with a movie! Or dinner out somewhere! But oh ho ho that's ridiculous!! I was entrenched in geometry and comparing shelving system dimensions and maximizing space-efficiency-per-dollar and how to style the shelves afterward to look like they didn't come from Ikea!
 
So we ate chips and salsa at 10pm. OH. THE LUXURY.
 
But we do have a solid plan for the library now, and I think we'll be able to make it into a library/office with a fold-away desk for under $300. And we might even be able to get the entire project done this month, so we'll have more time to focus on other projects! Can you FEEL my EXCITEMENT?
 
The Foliage came over to look at my 3 pages of diagrams and calculations and was...impressed but potentially a little disturbed. Though, fun fact, if you need a scientific calculator on your iphone, go to your calculator app and turn your phone horizontally. YES SO MUCH LOVES!
 
Life development plans, man. Best.